April was one hell of a month.
There was a lot going on in the cosmos, big-picture style, and I sure did feel the effects. My family did too - between myself, husband, friends and loved ones, there were a lot of changes happening, upheaval style.
In the midst of much chaos, I found myself taking a necessary-but-unwanted sabbatical from my studio work. Even though the month previous I had been learning more, and reaching further, than I ever had before…
There resides at the heart of everything we do a core purpose. It ranges from basic to profound; it can be as simple as the elements (I’m cold, therefore I am buying a jacket), or as complex as our life’s purpose on this planet (I’m a natural organizer and creator who craves independence, therefore I’m going to start my own business).
At the start of last month, I reached an uncomfortable conclusion: I could no longer define my Core Purpose in running my own business. The desire and motivation remained intact, but when I asked myself point-blank, “Why are you doing this?” I didn’t have an answer.
That freaked me out.
First, I tried to justify my inability by claiming it was temporary lack of clarity; I tried to use more practical stand-ins to keep myself going. “Why does it matter if I know my core purpose right now? I still need to earn an income and support my family. Money is enough motivation for the time being,” I told myself repeatedly.
That sure didn’t work.
Next, I tried to rediscover my core purpose as it related to the work I’d already done. “I haven’t learned this much and come this far to start over! The sum of the parts will show me the meaning behind the whole,” I told myself rather desperately.
That didn’t work either.
Eventually, I reached that maddening point we’ve all encountered before — the harder I pushed for results, the more I slowed down. Eventually I was at a near-standstill, spending 90% of my day listlessly drifting through my domestic routine, and wondering if I should just go apply to work at Taco Bell because apparently all my gumption had fled with the candlesticks in the night and I was never cut out to run my own business in the first place.
In the midst of this lethargic, apathetic angst, I did have the presence of mind to hold space for divine intervention. Eventually it became a rather grumpy form of surrender through meditation. I had no extra money to pay for coaching or energy work services, but I knew I needed outside intervention in the form of someone who could inject a dose of clarity and fresh air into my stagnant, mopey bubble. So I asked, over and over, for that person to appear.
Enter Kathleen Saelens, an angel of divine timing and massive intuitive ability. In exchange for market research for her business, she gifted me with a Soul Essence Session, during which she took a deep dive into my energetic makeup and my reason for showing up and sharing my work with the world. It was one of the most powerful energy work sessions I’ve ever experienced, and about halfway through, she shared one symbolic image with me that felt like a lightning bolt of pure energy striking my head and zapping all the way down to my toes.
It was the symbolic key to my Core Purpose.
And, as with the revelation of all true things, it was a complete and utter “Oh my gosh how did I not see that and put it together for myself?!” moment. Hindsight is a glorious frustration.
So now, as we enter the month of May, which has its own intense but far calmer energy, I find myself faced with an entirely new challenge. Thankfully it’s not the challenge of finding a reason to roll out of bed in the morning, beyond laundry and the hope of insight… no, this time around it’s the challenge of reframing Studio Kittie to contain and broadcast this old-yet-new, shiny, bright, full of insight Core Purpose that I now understand with brilliant clarity without knowing how to word it and roll it into my existing body of work.
That’s what we both have to look forward to in the coming months. I’ll be changing, tweaking, refining, redecorating, and generally molding Studio Kittie into a new and improved version of itself. I have no idea how the final results will look, but I know they will be beautiful, because a journey of this magnitude can only lead to great things when we get over ourselves (even if it takes an entire month of video games and pajama pants) and surrender to the fact that change is the best possible path forward.