Yesterday was an awful, awful day.
I woke up exhausted and, for about fifteen minutes, I seriously contemplated just staying in bed. But I committed to my new morning routine, and so I dragged (literally dragged) myself out of bed and into my studio, where I set my intentions and planned my day. Normally quite energizing. But all I could think was…
“I just can’t. I cannot. I just cannot EVEN today.”
I didn’t want to care. I didn’t want to try. I didn’t want to empower, or uplift, or beam light into the world. I wanted to sit in the dark. Maybe play Sudoku on my phone. Maybe pet a cat. Maybe.
And yet responsibility beckoned, so I got dressed and went to work. Took care of business. I made it to about 1:30pm before the meltdown began.
It started with a video I watched on Facebook… a woman achieving an unexpected dream through following her heart and sitting in the heart of resonance. It was beautiful and uplifting; I was so happy for her. And then I started to cry. And cry. And cry. And it didn’t stop.
It felt like every disappointment, every shadow, every unkind thought, every doubt and fear and failure I’d ever experienced was flooding out of me. But not in the cleansing, this-too-shall-pass way. It was more the “Hey let’s relive every bad feeling you’ve ever felt!” way.
At one point - I think around 4:00pm - I was wandering around the house, messily crying, like a weeping ghost but with none of the romance and all of the puffy, salt-reddened mucus membranes.
Eventually I ended up on my bed, half curled up and half face planted, wondering where all the water was coming from (was I dehydrating? surely I was dehydrating) and wondering if it would ever stop. It didn’t feel like it would ever stop.
I don’t know how much time passed, but a thought finally flowed through my mind.
And it was comforting. I didn’t know what it was referencing - a current failure? a past failure? general failure of the human variety? - but I did know it was immensely freeing to face those two words without an ounce of shame or regret. I failed. So what?
My mood didn’t improve, and my energy didn’t surge back, but at least the crying stopped. Some hole in the core of me was plugged with the simple realization. Failure, at times, is our only option. And to embrace it is to undo its power over our future endeavors.
Eventually I washed my face and went back to life. I warmed up the house, made dinner, took care of the animals. I watched 30 Rock and was happy when my husband came home; I was grateful when he accepted my bedraggled appearance and expressed desire to help me feel better. Yes, I failed. And life was still good.
I woke up today feeling afraid yesterday would continue… but thankfully it seems to have run its course. It’s hard to say what exactly caused my outpouring of grief. It could be the fact I’m correcting my physical pH to a more alkaline state; it could be the New Moon energy (which is in Capricorn, and as a double Capricorn let me tell you, it’s intense); it could be that I’ve grown and expanded and changed more in the past few months than I have in years and, like a rubber band snapping mostly back into shape, some elastic recoil was inevitable.
Or, it could be because I’ve failed. And it sucks to fail, to feel like a failure.
But this morning, without the tears and the pain and the general state of I Cannot Even, I decided yet again to keep trying. I recommitted to the magic that lives within me and flows through me. I planned to be successful. Because the greatest gift we have as humans is choice, and even if we can’t do it every minute or hour, we can choose every day to not give up on our dreams. That is our superpower.
This month I'm beginning a six month immersion into everything that makes me powerful, with lots of amplification and support. I'm going to use ritual, oracle cards, crystals, jewelry, and my connection with my Guides to expand my horizons and see how far Magic will take me in my dreams. I'm calling it the Journey to Inner Magic and, if it sounds like something you might like to do to, I invite you to join me.